Depression

What does depression look like? It’s interesting that you cannot always tell if someone is depressed—or even if you are. Things may seem good, and you might feel okay; you can smile and laugh. But think about it: are you truly okay, or are you masking your feelings without even realizing it because you've been doing it for so long? 

I used to be great at masking my emotions, but as I get older, it becomes harder, and I don’t care to do it as much anymore. Still, I sometimes find it easier to mask my feelings when dealing with certain people rather than trying to explain myself. 

Depression is something I live with every day in different variations. That’s part of my experience with bipolar disorder and living in pain daily. Until I understood it better, it was challenging to cope with. It doesn’t mean it’s easy now, but it’s easier to tell myself that everything will be okay, and that I can and will get through this depressive episode. I know I will face more challenges, and that’s okay too.

What’s harder for me are the highs associated with bipolar disorder—they can be exhausting. But that’s a topic for another day. I find that breathing, taking time to rest, and having someone to vent to or simply sitting down for coffee can really help. 

My kids are also my motivation to keep pushing forward. No matter what, I remind myself that life is worth living. Regardless of what you have been through or are going through, you can make it out the other side and come out a better person for it. You just need to believe, and sometimes that can be incredibly difficult. 

But we can all do it. Talk to someone, go for a walk, watch a funny movie—no matter how big or small the action, it all helps.

Just a though

Mental health seems like a "dirty" word to some people.  I used to be ashamed that I have been treated for depression since I was 19.  Things like that were never talked about when I was younger.  Anyone with mental health issues were considered crazy, off or just weird.  Some were shunned.  Even now I find that so many are still ashamed or not willing to accept that mental health is ok to talk about.  

Mental health affects our physical health and well-being as well as our daily activities.  It can cause so many issues with our lives.  When our brain does not let us think properly it can lead us to do things that can actually harm us and others.  Being properly diagnosed is key.  Even if you don't take medication, understanding why you may act and think differently from the "norm" helps us live a better life.   I embraced being bipolar and having adhd.  I have also done a lot of work learning about how my mind works so that I can help myself understand what is happening to me better.  It also helps me talk openly with others about my experiences in the hopes that it can help others.

I will never fully understand my brain but knowing I think and work differently from most people helps me.  Everyday is different and some days I my "spin" but it is easier to for me to calm myself knowing what is wrong.'

Time

know I was always worried someone would be mad at me for being late.  I truly believe it is the ADHD and some bipolar because at times I was very excited about going somewhere and others I just needed to get there....all depended if I was on a high or a low.

I continue to say I'll get to it tomorrow and then a month has gone by and it still not done.  Could be cleaning something, visiting someone or calling to get an appointment.  I'll say I'm just going to take a break for 5 min and two hours later I'm still sitting.  Probably why I don't take many breaks at work, I'm afraid of losing track of time and not getting my actual work done.

Sometimes time means nothing, other times just hyper focused on making sure I'm on time or making sure things are done on time.

For now I am trying to set alarms for things everyday.  Just to try and keep track of time and to stay on track. 

It's ok to take meds

I've learned that it's okay to take medication for any illness and to discuss it openly. I used to feel embarrassed about taking medication to help with my mental health or pain. Now, you will never take my "happy" pills away from me. I only take my pain medication when I can't handle the discomfort anymore. I should probably take it more regularly because it would help manage my pain, but I'm not quite there yet. I encourage others to do so, but I often forget to remind myself.

Not everyone with mental health issues or pain needs medication; some are able to cope in different ways. I've been told I have a very high pain tolerance—what I rate as a 6 could be a 10 for someone else. That's likely why I don't take many pain meds. It's important never to judge anyone for taking medication if they need it. We do not experience their minds or bodies, and everyone is different.

My personal choice is to take medication, meditate, take supplements (magnesium and vitamin D3 are my two main ones), and try to eat as healthily as I can. When my body allows it, I enjoy doing yard work or going for a walk. Just sitting in the sunshine is incredibly therapeutic. If the weather is bad, I try to get on the treadmill, even if just for 10 minutes. I've also tried many alternative treatments, such as massage, biofeedback, chiropractic care, counseling, and more. Some have helped, while others have not. We are all different, and what works for one person may not work for another. Talk to your doctor, see what they recommend, and do your own research. Ultimately, do what's best for you and don't be afraid to discuss it.

Friendships

I’ve gained a better understanding of why I’ve struggled with friendships and family relationships. It’s not that I don’t care about them; if they ever needed anything, I would be there for them day or night. They might need to call or text me a few times to grab my attention😊, but once they do, I would hop in my truck and drive for hours to help them.

The real issue is that I often feel like no one truly likes me. This is a self-esteem issue; I struggle with the idea of many people being around me at once and often wonder why anyone would want to be with me. I always worry that I’m going to bother them by texting, calling, or stopping by. I think this is also why I tend to say "sorry" for everything, even when it’s not my fault. It might also be because I’m Canadian😉!

While I’ve never had trouble making friends, I do struggle to maintain those friendships and family relationships. I often lose track of time, and days or even weeks can pass without me reaching out to anyone. I really dislike talking on the phone, and going out feels challenging, which is why it’s completely understandable that people eventually move on.

I’ve come to realize that my difficulties aren’t solely due to being bipolar, especially during my low cycles. With my recent ADHD diagnosis, I’ve finally started to understand what’s happening. My mind tends to focus on the negative, so I have to remind myself to make an effort to connect with friends and family. This diagnosis also explains why I can lose track of time. I’m trying to be more "present" when I’m with them. To help with this, I write reminders in my calendar to call or text them and to make plans to spend time together because I genuinely feel better when I do.

I consider myself fortunate to have people in my life who truly understand me. They remind me that they care and aren’t afraid to give me a gentle—or not-so-gentle—nudge when I need it.

For anyone who feels "not good enough" for others, just know that you are. Sometimes, setting reminders to keep in touch is necessary, and that doesn’t imply anything negative—it just means your brain works differently. Sometimes, we all need that little push to stay connected. Remember that you are worth more than you think. You may just see the world differently and need a little extra encouragement to get out and enjoy it.

This website is fantastic for women with late diagnosis with ADHD and her podcast is fantastic.

  ihaveadhd.com 

In the last few weeks I have had so many "AHA" moments.  Looking back on my past and how things are starting to make sense.

A bit about me

I’m sharing my story not for sympathy, but to demonstrate that it is absolutely possible to overcome challenges and thrive. I have faced mental health issues throughout my life, and while I didn’t always recognand ize them, I now see how they shaped my journey. I’ve struggled with numerous difficulties, often feeling out of place and grappling with low self-esI teem. I embraced a variety of interests yet frequently found it hard to complete projects. Social anxiety was part of my reality, but I refuand sed to let it define me. For years, I kept everything bottled up, but I have learned the importance of sharing my experiences.

Here’s a timeline of ,significant wawas s events in my life:-

- My teenage years were a battle against pain, including migraines, back pain,,, and knee pain.  Never feeling like I belonged and not good enough for anyone.  Struggled with friendships.

- At 19, I faced my diagnosis of depression, which marked the beginning of my understanding.

- I married a most amazing man at 24 and welcomed my first son at 27, followed by my second son at 29, navigating difficult pregnancies and labors.

- At 32, my oldest son was diagnosed with severe anxiety, which deepened my resolve to be a strong advocate for mental health.

- My husband’s terminal cancer diagnosis at 34 was a pivotal moment, and after 18 years together he passed away when I was 35. This profound loss pushed me to find my inner strength.

- At 36, my oldest son experienced a mental breakdown at just 9 years old, and I ,was diagnosed with fibromyalgia shortly after.

- At 40, I declared bankruptcy; although it was a tough situation, and I felt ashamed and absolutely worthless, I had to keep moving forward for my boys.

- At 41, I learned I had severe degenerative disk disease in my upper and lower back, but I remained determined to keep moving forward.

- I started a new relationship at 42 and welcomed my daughter at 43, after a challenging pregnancy complicated by pre-eclampsia that tested my resilience.

- At 44, after some alarming events at home, I took charge of my health and sought a referral to a psychiatrist, suspecting I might be bipolar. At 44, I received that diagnosis and embraced it as part of my story.

- My relationship ended at 46, but I continued to focus on my growth.

- At 54, my daughter was diagnosed with anxiety, depression, and ADHD, with a strong likelihood of high-functioning autism. I was determined to support her in every way possible.

- Finally, at 55, I was diagnosed with ADHD, and this realization became my "AHA moment," empowering me to better understand myself.

Despite the challenges I have faced, I am committed to finding strength and embracing a path of healing and acceptance. I know that I can thrive, and I am ready to inspire others to do the same.